Here's an old article I wrote in 2009 that ended up homeless due to underwhelming interest in the subject and abject laziness on my part. Enjoy.
Moonies In Ireland
You wouldn’t think that Ireland would be a good place for a cult. But then take into account that all a cult needs is a large amount of fucking idiots and Ireland suddenly looks a lot rosier for any Charles Manson wannabes. I’m not saying that your going to see a Waco type incident taking place in Dunboyne Castle or anything, but what I am saying is that now and again some cultists do pop their heads up in Dublin. I’m not counting the Hari Krishnas or Scientologists seeing as every one already knows that those guys are freaks running pyramid schemes for the soul. The Hari’s are pretty harmless, and the Cruisites are probably going to zap me with a ray gun for calling them freaks, but there’s another cult, although not as prominent, which can be found in Dublin.
The Unified Church, otherwise known as Family Federation for World Peace and Unification (catchy!), has been reported around Dublin over the past couple of years. The gullible, weak, and plain damn lonely be warned. Like any self respecting cult they have their own messiah type character Sun Myung Moon, affectionately called Reverend Moon, who is all for the idea that he is the second coming of Jesus. His followers are often referred to as Moonies, which makes them sound like a really cute militant break away faction of the Clangers. But don’t let this man’s nut ball notions of grandeur fool you. He owns The Washington Times, The United Press International, Pyeonghwa Motors and of course, what every messiah needs, a munitions factory in Korea. If he is the second coming of Jesus, then our lord and saviour has turned into a real shit.
Reverend Moon looking chuffed
So, what’s his shtick when it comes to the philosophical side of things? Well, lots of terms are bandied about such as “the ideal family”, “thought unification”, homosexuals being “turd-eating dogs” and a literal Kingdom of God on Earth. Conveniently this would kind of leave him in charge of, like, everything. Let us of course not forget the prevailing theme if you so choose to worship this bloke; give him all your money so he can maintain his 18 acre mini-castle in a New York suburb. There are of course a ton of allegations of freaky sexual practices, brainwashing, and general financial corruption. One member who was believed to have been the re-incarnation of one of the Reverend’s sons was also seemingly given free reign to beat the shit out of and shag whoever he wanted.
So what are these guys doing in Ireland? Fucked if we know, but strangely enough they have been in Ireland since the 1970’s and at one stage were pretty well known but since then any semblance of prominence has gone to shit (Reverend Moon visited in 2005 and they had to fly in members from other countries to attend his sermon) and they’re throwing their hat in with any religious minority in Ireland who are willing to listen. This would explain some of the bizarre accounts of heard about their lo-fi recruitment attempts. Most of these have occurred in a particular University type College in Dublin. Let’s face it, if you’re a student and your not humping something or destroying your youthful visage in some way, you’re probably sad enough to join a cult. Kudos to them on their demographic selection.
Anyway we’ve heard at least 3 separate incidents of students being approached by two young clean-cut (aledgedly Korean) folk and being peppered with pamphlets and all sorts of preachy nonsense. This isn’t really a problem for those of us in possession of a brain, however one individual who was caught unawares ended up surrendering his phone number. After a few days of being barraged with telephone calls urging him to attend some worshipping ceremonies and commit himself to their cause, he decided to confront them face to face and tell them to piss off. Needless to say this didn’t initially work and he had to take the wimps way out and threaten to involve the gardi. They pissed off pronto there after. This guy still insists that they were less annoying and preachy than charity muggers.
Okay so we’ve only heard of 3 people being approached by a proper cultists cult. If we were the statistical types we would put a spin on it and say that it’s a 150% increase on the 3 years previous. How fucked is that? The thing which really baffles is why any cult would try and move in on the Catholic Churches turf. If you fuck with the Catholic Church, they will fuck with you (we have a 1254 page Government report to back that up with).
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